Happy Spring! - SAN FRANCISCO HERE WE COME - IN SEARCH OF WEDDED BLISS: WHAT RESEARCH CAN TELL US - HOW TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? - DIVORCE AND SESAME STREET - MICHELE WEINER-DAVIS NEEDS YOUR HELP: SEXUAL DESIRE GAP - SAN FRANCISCO HERE WE COME I'm just back from the pre-conference meeting in San Francisco. I thank all the wonderful Californians that attended and encourage you to continue to send Some of you have - just keep them coming! We're going to have a GREAT conference. Even a short visit reminds me of just what a BEAUTIFUL city it is and how incredible the food is - even in the very inexpensive restaurants. We are lucky that our hotel is located right in heart of the Union Square's theater, art gallery, shopping district which means there are SO MANY excellent restaurants that you go nuts just trying to decide where to eat. Many choices! I suggest you spend the first hour in SF scouting the few blocks around the hotel and mapping out your eating destinations - breakfast, quick lunch, dinner. There must be 100 restaurants within those few blocks and you should try as many as you can. HOTEL: Interesting tip and something I didn't know till this trip. For an additional $50 a night you can upgrade to a room above the 35th floor which "guarantees a great view" and puts you on the Executive level which includes free breakfast in the morning and hors d'oeuvers in the evening in the Executive lounge on the 45th floor. This is $50 PER ROOM so includes anyone staying in a double/triple or quad room. Not sure what I recommend - agree the views ARE spectacular and the lounge is extremely convenient, BUT the food in restaurants around the hotel is so good that you may not want to eat in this lounge. However, it's also true that there is no way to gain entry to the lounge unless you have an executive level room. And to compound things, City Scape restaurant on the very top - on the 46th floor - is closing. The hotel will use that space for private parties (weddings, etc). So the option to go up there for one meal or drink to take in the spectacular view, is no longer available. The hotel is also closing most of its restaurants - they say it just doesn't pay: "Everyone goes across the street to eat where there is great food at NON-hotel prices." They'll have only two upscale restaurants that will also be open to the public (open onto the street). They're 'under construction' so I didn't get to see the space or menus/prices. American cancelled 700 flights in and out of the Dallas on Tues and I got stuck in the Dallas on my return trip. Spent 48 hrs getting back. You can imagine the nightmare.....a very humbling experience - we are at the mercy of the weather. - diane - IN SEARCH OF WEDDED BLISS: WHAT RESEARCH CAN TELL US What a great article to come home to! Makes very good points - that we love - and also very nice that it includes live links to If you don't have your courses listed on the Directory of Programs NOW is the time to get listed. I've done at least 5 big interviews this week, all of which will feature the Directory website....and the number of interviews will increase exponentially as the conference approaches. ALSO, as I've learned from Elizabeth's Thomas's website optimization class, just having a link from a high-ranked site like Smart Marriages TO YOUR SITE bumps you up in the search engine ratings. It's only $75 for a 100 word listing with a live link. To list: WORK & FAMILY By SUE SHELLENBARGER The Wall Street Journal March 20, 2008 In Search of Wedded Bliss: What Research Can Tell Us As the national divorce rate plateaus at historically high levels, many people yearn to understand what makes a successful marriage. This has given rise in recent years to an outpouring of confusing studies and surveys attempting to nail down the odds of particular types of couples staying together. Which couples have the best chances? Depending on which study you believe -- they vary widely in quality -- you must get lots of education, earn a lot of money, marry over age 25, live in a Blue State, be white, or be a Presbyterian or a Catholic (but only a faithful one who attends Mass). What doesn't help: being a born-again Christian, having daughters instead of sons, having divorced parents or being born in Oklahoma. (Pilloried in the media a few years ago for its high divorce rate, Oklahoma has mounted a state-funded program that has enrolled 133,000 people so far, an official says.) WORK & FAMILY MAILBOX [go to article] Sue Shellenbarger answers reader questions on getting kids engaged in the process of selecting a college. As a child of divorced parents who has seen many friends divorce, Maggi Deroian, 29, who is single, wants a happy marriage. To that end, the New York event producer follows the research and makes "rules for my life, based on statistics, that would help minimize my chances for divorce," she says. What's frustrating, though, is that many of the studies focus on factors she can't control, such as family history or race. "Knowing that practicing Catholics who go to church have a lower divorce rate" doesn't help someone who's not one, she says. The research, adds Erin Stafford, 27, a Fullerton, Calif., image consultant who is also single, "just feeds the fires of insecurity." After reviewing a stack of studies, I've extracted some findings that are generally helpful: - Take life's big steps in mindful order. On average, 43% of first marriages end in separation or divorce within 15 years, a federal study shows. Marrying in your teens or having children out of wedlock are linked to higher rates. Odds improve when you graduate from college first; then marry, then have children. The divorce rate falls as the age of marriage rises through the late 20s, then levels off, says a new study by Evelyn Lehrer at the University of Illinois, Chicago. - Be wary of casual cohabitation. Singles have been scared by studies linking cohabitation before marriage to divorce; however, people who live together are a self-selecting population who may place less value from the start on lifelong monogamy. In a more helpful insight, Scott Stanley at the University of Denver and others have found cohabitation can create an inertia effect -- a tendency for cohabiting couples who otherwise wouldn't marry to slide into marriages of convenience that later hit the rocks. Couples who wait to live together until after they're engaged tend to avoid comparable problems. - Find a supportive workplace. While blacks tend to divorce at higher rates than whites, Jay Teachman at Western Washington University has found the divorce gap vanishes among couples in the Army, one of the nation's most race-blind institutions. In the Army, blacks tend to be fairly paid and promoted -- and to divorce at the same rate as white civilians. Given the well-documented tendency of workaday emotions to spill over at home, it makes sense to avoid workplaces where the deck is stacked against you. - Act quickly when troubles arise. Women working outside the home have been blamed for higher rates of divorce. In fact, working women leave unhappy marriages at higher rates, but not unions that are happy or average, say preliminary findings by researchers at Ohio State and Stanford universities. "If a woman can support herself, she's more likely to think it's viable to leave," says Stanford's Paula England. A countervailing factor: Dual-earner couples tend to share housework and child care more evenly, making marriages happier and offsetting divorce risk, says Stephanie Coontz, author of "Marriage: A History." Whatever the case, if your marriage starts to slide, act right away to change damaging behaviors or take counseling or a program (findable at Studies aside, the final unit of analysis is the relationship. Ms. Deroian says the best wisdom gleaned from her "quest to solve the question of 'forever' " in marriage came from a cab driver she rode with once who had been married 45 years. When she asked how he and his wife did it, he told her about their travels together, and evenings spent dancing. "At the end of the day," she says, "you have to take time to enjoy one another." FOR ADDITIONAL MATERIAL including a podcast by me, Diane Sollee, a Marriage Checkup Quiz, and the chance to weigh in - to add your comments - visit the WSJH website and click the links in the boxes: HOW TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? =80 What are your tricks for keeping a marriage together? Or, how would you have done things differently? Share your thoughts and experiences with Sue Shellenbarger. =80 What are the benefits of marriage? Diane Sollee, the founder of a coalition based in Washington, D.C., that focuses on couples education, answers the question and offers tips to people who want to be a better spouse. --------------- TAKE A MARRIAGE CHECKUP Many people regularly see a doctor for an annual physical or visit the dentist for an annual cleaning. Now, clinicians at the Center for Couples and Family Research want people to undergo a regular marriage checkup. This quiz was developed at the center, based at Clark University in Worcester, Mass., to help couples assess their marital health. Even the best marriages have strengths and weaknesses, and this checklist aims to help identify them. There's no "score" at the end, where couples discover if their marriage will fail or succeed. Instead, couples are encouraged to identify areas where they can improve their relationship. Take the assessment. For more information, visit Clark University's Web site. - DIVORCE AND SESAME STREET Fascinating: Sesame Street tried various story lines and approaches for introducing the subject of divorce. Screened various shows before test audiences of kids. Decided that divorce was simply too upsetting for children.... If only parents could come to the same conclusion! This is a must read. - MICHELE WEINER-DAVIS NEEDS YOUR HELP: SEXUAL DESIRE GAP I need a couple to go on Good Morning America with me to discuss a sexual desire gap in their marriage. The taping will be Monday, March 24th. It doesn't matter who the high desire spouse is. I need to hear back from them today! Help! They can email me at or call the office 800-664-2435. Send submissions and comments for the listserv to: Do NOT hit "reply". If you hit reply your email will disappear into cyberspace. This is a moderated list. Submissions and comments are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your comment is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address and/or url as part of your signature. With thousands of buy onliners, not all comments can be shared. Also realize that opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. To BUY ONLINE, PURCHASE, or Change your subscription address, visit: To read past posts to the listserv, visit the Archive at: 12th Annual Smart Marriages=AE Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel, June 30-July 6, 2008 (General Conference July 2-5) Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2 Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6 DOWNLOAD a conference brochure and register at: List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAIR USE NOTICE: This contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information: If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. SmartMarriages mailing list

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